MY STORY!!!!- sexual abuse, drugs, witch craft, hate, sex, alcohol, rejection-self mutilation

it is difficult to write this i have put this off for a while, but i felt that God wanted me to share this for someone out there well, here goes
My beginning-
I was born to an alcoholic father and a very scared submissive mother. I remember daddy coming into my room as young as 4. He began to have sex with me when i was about 8 or 9 years old. I remember him touching me, having oral sex with me and penetrating me i wonder now why no one ever addressed this with all the urine infections i would have as a child i remember feeling it was all my fault because i wanted him to pay attention to me usually daddy would NEVER talk to me even if i was right there in front of him he would have family members tell me what he wanted me to know and i would answer him he never acknowledged it until someone else said the answer for me there wee times he would get drunk and come to my room grabbed me and make me clean the walls at two or three in the morning, other times he would come in with a glass filled with water,cigarrettes and what i can only discribe as a noogie he would insist i drink it and i'd be crying until my mom would come in and tell him to go to bed. When i was twelve i began my period and the sexual abuse came to an end i believe my dad was afraid i would get pregnant so he resorted to physically beating me, he would hit me with hangers, go through my diary which i later learned never to keep, go through my drawers, he even went as far as to have my personal phone bugged and listened in on all my calls (i payed for the phone bill with a job i had) so many memories are flooding me right now and it is overwhelming i remember just wanting to be his lil girl and wondering what had i done to him for him to hate me so much he even said to me he hated me but i remember when i was lil and he'd be touching me he would say no one would ever love me just him i remember going straight to my room when he'd get home from work i was always afraid to say anything wrong it was very hard growing up in that home as i was the only girl for a long time and i remember having my uncle and cousins touch me, i felt i had a mark on my forehead that said to violate me and that i was God's joke here on earth i then got myself pregnant and married I had five children all together i began drugs at age 15 alcohol came later then i found myself divorced with five little children i went to school and became a psychiatric technician i WOULDN't give myself to God and went on to marry four more times with many many men, drugs, alcohol i even began to doing witch craft i cursed God and wanted nothing from a God that would allow this to happen. i would self mutilate myself, i hated myself i wanted to die i attempted suicide more than once and i believed that God wanted to continue my sufferings here on earth i couldn't drink drug or drive myself to death i was a failure!!!!! My children couldn't fill the hole within me they prayed and prayed for me as they were going to church by this time but i rejected there attempts to share the truth with me then................. LOVE SAVED ME HE SAVED ME GOD was ALWAYS there loving me through the tears the pain He spared me because i have a purpose and that purpose was to not die in my sin but to serve my Heavenly Father and forgive my earthly father and mother As i look back now through healed eyes and heart I see that God had shown himself to me many many times i was spared from having a tramatic end to my chaos i was spared when my son Jesse died and came back (revived) at age 4 and told me A man named Jesus said he loved me now you must understand i did everything i could to keep my children from knowing Christ and for him to say this well at the time of my anger towards my Christ i dismissed it yet so many others were moved as i am today by the love our Christ has for his chosen All my children gave there lives to the Lord sadly three have fallen away I believe HE will call upon them to return to HIM I believe this with all that i am Praise unto the Lord that two of them are strong men of God serving in ministry and loving our Christ and i am married for the final time to a man of God who loves Christ with all his being this was a very emotional truth to write but I pray this testimony will help others and if you like, If you have suffered are suffering from this pain you may contact me on this site and maybe someway i can help you through your journey. i would be honored. May the LOVE and PEACE and JOY of our saviour Jesus Christ be with you forever Amen


DAUGHTER OF A KING

He found me
His lil girl
Lost for so long
And I didn't even realize

Didn't realize I was wandering
Or drifting away
But he wanted me back
And it cost him his life

Now I am a daughter
Daughter of a king
He has placed me here
Surrounded me with his love

And I have discovered
My new Daddy
He is a king
And I am his lil girl